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Sleeping With Strangers |
You're at the bar with a group of friends. You're talking. You're laughing. You're dancing. And more than anything, you're drinking. A lot.
As you consume more and more alcohol, the bar gradually becomes more entertaining, your friends become funnier and that stranger you just started chatting with is a lot more attractive. So attractive, you think, why not bring him home for a night of casual sex?
At the time, it just makes sense. He's nice. You get along perfectly. He might even be your soul mate. So what if you don't know his name?
Since the women's movement in the 1970s, women have become exposed to a variety of social freedoms that weren't acceptable in the past — including sexual liberation. Durex Condoms' 2002 Global Sex Survey revealed that about half of the 50,000 people interviewed around the world admit to having a one-night stand. And although men proved to dominate the one-night stand category, women were right up there at 42 per cent.
Chloe (not her real name) says in order to be a strong woman you have to be in control of your sexuality. Although the 22-year-old feels most comfortable having sex in a relationship, she isn't in one now and often resorts to one-night stands to get the job done.
"I think casual sex is okay, but it depends on why you're doing it," Chloe says. "If it's really what you want to do — if you just want to go out and have fun and you're doing it for yourself — that's okay. But if you're doing it because you're feeling lonely or to fill a void or to get attention, it's not all right."
But when it comes to her own sex life, Chloe is torn. Although she often has one-night stands, she often finds herself regretting it the next day.
Photo by Vanessa Chris
Many young women have regrets the morning after a one-night stand.
"At the time I want it, but when I look back the next day I realize that I may not have wanted it enough. And then I feel cheap and slutty for giving it up too easily," she said.
Chloe finds it difficult to determine whether she really is having sex for herself, or if she's doing it because she's filling a void she isn't aware of — an insecurity she's managed to block out of her head.
Chloe's conflicting sexual views are quite common and something Danielle Crittenden sought to explain in her 1999 book, What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us: Why Happiness Eludes The Modern Woman. It received plenty of attention from the media, as Crittenden challenged the basic premise of second-wave feminism, saying that in trying to solve women's problems, it actually created more.
She said having casual sex isn't liberating for women at all. Because women value the emotional aspects of sex more than men — aspects that can only be attained through secure relationships — they don't benefit from one-night stands in the same way.
But Dr. Guy Grenier, a sexual psychologist who runs his own practice in London, says the way someone reacts to having a one-night stand depends specifically on the person.
"Finding what you're comfortable with sexually is different for everyone. It's not 'one mould fits all'," he says. "When you're learning how to swim, you don't jump into the deep end right away. You start in the shallow end and ease your way in. It's important for people to take the time to learn about their own sexuality ... You have to ease your way into sex."
When people feel guilty about taking part in a one-night stand it's not about the sex, Grenier says.
"They regret the intimacy. They shared something too personal too soon," he says. "It's like telling a stranger something personal about yourself and regretting it."
Society's view of sexual behaviour may also play a part in how people see sex, Grenier says. Although there has been a tremendous evolution of what is seen as sexually appropriate and inappropriate in our society, there are still lots of conflicting messages because of a very vocal anti-sex minority.
"Sex is like food. Sometimes it's fast food and some of it's gourmet, but one kind isn't better than the other," says Grenier. "A one-night stand isn't a bad choice. It might not be an optimal choice for a specific person, but there's nothing wrong about it."
In response to Crittenden's argument, Grenier says it is possible for women to have one-night stands and get as much out of it as a guy.
"For every woman who feels crappy the night after a one-night stand, one woman feels good," he says.
When Alison (not her real name) was in her second year of university, she was definitely one of the latter.
"I had been in a relationship for two years and I was finally out of it. For the first time since I came to university I could do whatever I wanted, so I took advantage of the opportunity," she says.
She felt comfortable enough with her sexuality to experience sex with a variety of partners, and she didn't regret a thing.
"You can't regret things you've done or you're not going to live too well. If you regret something, change it," she says.
Since second year, Alison has stopped having casual sex, preferring the security and comfort of an intimate relationship. But she says her decision wasn't made because she couldn't handle her spontaneous lifestyle, adding that she definitely learned a lot about herself by having casual sex.
"I often felt I was most sexually free when I was having casual sex," she says. "I tried a lot of new things, some of which I wouldn't want to try with a boyfriend."
Although it's important to practice safe sex when sleeping with someone you don't really know, there is nothing wrong with the act itself, according to Grenier. The key to sexual freedom is knowing your sexual threshold, he says, and that lesson should be taken one step at a time.
By Vanessa Chris
University of Western Ontario |
| Posted on 15 Sep 2008 |
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